The Compatibility Myth
We all know that technology is changing our lives at an
astounding rate. I’ve watched with fascination as online dating
has gone from marginal to mainstream almost overnight. It seems
like almost every week, I meet a couple coming in for
pre-marital counseling who met online. Three years ago, that
rarely happened.
I decided I should find out what these services are all about,
so I logged on and took a tour of several popular services. I
immediately noticed they all had something in common. All of
them promised to help you find someone who is compatible with
you. You may be asking yourself, What’s so remarkable about
that? Everyone knows compatibility is important when choosing a
mate.
This is one of those times when “what everyone knows” is wrong.
These days, when mental health professionals want to know what a
happy marriage looks like, they turn to John Gottman, Ph.D.
That’s because he has spent upwards of twenty-five years
observing couples and he offers us a treasure trove of
information about what makes happy couples different from
unhappy couples.
What does Dr. Gottman say about compatibility? He says it will
help your marriagebut only a little. It is not nearly as
important as respect, acceptance, emotional connection, and
communication.
How can this be? After all, we all know that conflicts erupt
when we want different things, whether it’s what to do this
weekend or how to raise our kids. The truth is, while it might
appear that the stumbling block is different opinions, the
bigger problem is really how we communicate about those opinions.
I once took a dancing class from a teacher who said, “If you see
a couple screw up on the dance floor and then laugh, they might
be married, but not to each other.” You could see smiles of
recognition all around the room. You and your partner might
share a love of dancing, but that’s not enough to keep you from
getting into a ballroom power struggle.
On the other hand, you can disagree about major life issues and
still feel close and connected, if you communicate well. Dana
and Steve ran into trouble after the birth of their first child.
Once she was actually a mom, Dana changed her mind about her
plan to return to work after two months of maternity leave. “My
priorities have turned upside down,” she said. “Nothing is as
important as being with my daughter during this first year.”
For his part, Steve was not prepared to take on the pressures of
being the sole breadwinner. The harder they worked to convince
each other they were right, the more they both dug in their
heels. Dana accused Steve of being a bad parent, and Steve told
Dana she was unrealistic.
In counseling, they learned a different approach. They learned
how to make it safe to express the entire range of their
feelings on the subject, without being criticized or having to
justify themselves. In this climate of acceptance, they were
able to see that they had more common ground than they realized.
They both wanted to be financially stable AND good parents.
I see the same thing happen in my office all the time. The more
people feel criticized, the more they feel they have differences
in values. When they can communicate safely and respectfully,
they discover they have more common ground than they realized.
Not only that, it’s easier to find solutions for the differences
they do have.
So, what does the compatibility myth mean for your relationship?
First, don’t count on compatibility to get you through. If you
are experiencing that delicious sense of “having everything in
common,” enjoy it, but don’t settle in for an easy ride. As Dana
and Steve learned, life will throw you curves and you will have
to negotiate differences you can’t envision now.
Secondly, you have more control over your marriage than you
think. A great marriage isn’t something that just happens, like
the weather. It is something you create, day by day.
So, what about all those happy couples in my office that met
online? Aren’t they proof that “compatibility tests’ work? They
might be proof that compatibility attracts, but that’s all.
Still, I am optimistic about the future of their marriages. Not
because they’re compatible, but because they’re wise. They’re
starting now to learn the communication skills that will keep
them together and happy many years from now.